#137 - Improving Your Conversation Skills with Bobbi Kahler

In this episode of the Morning Upgrade podcast I talk with Bobbi Kahler about her morning routine, the first 5 minutes when waking up, people over results, improving your conversation skills and more.

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Announcer  

Welcome to the Morning upgrade podcast with Ryan cote where we feature casual conversations with entrepreneurs about personal development and growth.

Ryan  

Hey, Bobby, welcome to the Morning upgrade podcast. How are you?

Bobby  

I'm doing fantastic Ryan, how are you doing?

Ryan  

I'm doing good. Good, excited to talk to you. Let's kick this off. Please tell my audience of morning upgraders who you are, what you do for a living, and then something you're grateful for right now.

Bobby   

All right, so I am Bobby Kaler. I am since 2000. I've been an entrepreneur. And in that time, I have I've done coaching, I've been a facilitator, I've been a professional speaker, and I'm an author. I've coached more than 3000 people in that time. And I'm kind of making a shift right now, Ryan, where as much as I love coaching, I really want to shift more to developing more content and more online courses, because I just want to have a bigger reach that I can have if I'm coaching people one on one. So that's kind of a little bit about, you know, what's going on there. And I do that in the area of self leadership, and in helping people find their next step forward. Because I think a lot of times in life, we ended up being blocked for whatever reason, you know, we don't know how to move forward. And that's what I love helping people open up new possibilities for themselves. And one thing that it Well, one thing that I'm grateful for right now, there's so many, but one would just be you know, my health, my fitness, and then I get to enjoy another beautiful day on this earth.

Ryan  

That was something to be grateful for. Were you in corporate America before? Before? 2000? Just curious.

Bobby  

Yeah, I worked at a mid-sized law firm in Chicago. And I started there as a way to pay my way through college because I didn't, you know, I had to pay my way. And I moved up, and I eventually took over doing the training and development for them. And I love that I absolutely loved it. But there just came a point where I was like, I've gone as far as I can in this role, and I just want to do something more. That's why I left even though I love the people I was working with

Ryan   

that for you for having the courage to recognize that and then make the change. You know, not everyone makes that leap.

Bobby  

It's scary. It is a scary leap. And there were plenty. I did have I had supporters and I also people who are like, Are you out of your mind? I may be but I'm still doing it.

Ryan  

We're all out of our minds to an extent, you know, so that's right. What are your mornings look like? How do you start your day?

Bobby  

Well, it varies a little bit depending on where we are. Because we split our time between our two homes. You know, we have a home here in Colorado, way up high in the Rockies. This is where we spend our winters because we love cross-country skiing and snowshoeing and everything that has to do with winter. The rest of the year we spend our time in Arkansas. So there are some commonalities. So I start every day before I get out of bed, I start by just taking a few minutes to if you want to say talk to God, talk to the universe, whatever. But just to express my gratitude, for waking up for everything that I have for having another day. And also just kind of tapping into, you know, how can I I'm here to serve others, how can I do that? And I get a lot of inspiration from those. I don't know, it could be 510 15 minutes, it's I don't have it on a timer, because it just kind of runs its course. But it just kind of puts me in the right frame of mind. So that's the first thing I do. Another thing that I do is I start the day with, it's meditation, because I have a couple of different apps I use and not a long meditation, it's usually five to 12 minutes of meditation via an app. So there's that and then some kind of movement, whether that's stretching, whether that's this is where it varies. Here where we are right now in Colorado, when we wake up in the morning, it can be 15 degrees below zero. I'm not super excited to go outside, and it's 15 degrees below zero. And they're not excited to be out there either. But now when we're in Arkansas, and we wake up, it can be hot, even by the time we wake up. So in Arkansas, we tend to get up, you know, after those first two things I described and take the dogs for a walk. So that's the variance, you know, what's the what's the physical activity? And, but that in general, it just kind of it kind of gets me going for the day.

Ryan  

What app do you use for meditation?

Bobby  

There are two different apps I love. One is it's a PQ app. And that stands for Positive Intelligence. That is not a free app. It's so incredible because it synthesizes research from neuroscience, performance psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy, and positive psychology. And it's very focused on helping us quiet those inner saboteurs which we all have, you know, that inner voice or inner voices that getting in our way, and really tap into our sage and I actually became a coach in that methodology because I love it so much. So there's that one, another one that I think is still free. b is called Healthy Minds. And that again is it was developed by researchers and scientists and I just, I love those two, those two apps,

Ryan  

I have not heard of both of those. So that's, that's, I have used Insight Timer. Now I usually calm or headspace, which is like the big one, but I don't use that one. But those two I have not heard. So

Bobby  

they're both fascinating. And part of what I like about both is if you want to, you can also go in and learn more about the science behind it, like they have, like, they have education modules as well that I don't listen to during that time in the morning. But I just kind of, I'm kind of geeky, that way I like to know what's going on in my brain. And so that's one of the reasons I like both of them.

Ryan  

I'll just wrap up with the on the Comm. app, what I like about that is they it's a 10-minute daily meditation for those listening. And it weaves in a life lesson. So basically, it's a guided meditation, most of the time, you're just listening to beautiful sounds of water or whatever. And then towards the end, like when it's bad to wrap up, they weave in a life lesson like, you know, self-love, whatever the case is. And so, for me, it's kind of like a double whammy. And so yeah,

Bobby  

I love that.

Ryan   

I also want to pull something out, you said about, I've been playing around with that time, like when you when your eyeballs open up like that for those first five minutes, I find that I find it's crucial that period when you're first waking up, everything's so peaceful, you just woke up. And I haven't used that time to think about like what I'm grateful for. And I've mentioned it a few times now. So my audience is piling Here he goes again, about it again. But those first five minutes just thinking about what I'm grateful for, and it's letting my brain just kind of wander around those thoughts. So sounds like it's kind of similar to what you're saying just hears going a different angle, but you're using that those those, those first moments when you wake up? I love it.

Bobby  

Yeah, it's such a powerful time. You know, in especially because I think, you know, I do a lot of lot of writing Ryan, a lot of content creation. And what I find is that when I'm quiet in those first few moments, like a lot of answers come to me or ideas come to me, but also inspiration, like it, really puts me It connects me to my spirit of you know, like, I'm just, it just inspires me in those moments. I think they're very powerful moments. And, you know, I used to do is I'd reach for my phone and see what was going on. That's a horrible way to start the day for me. I mean, maybe it works for some people, but man, that's a surefire way to get me off on the wrong foot.

Ryan  

Yep. Not easy to do, though.

Bobby  

Yeah, I'm not doing it.

Ryan 

So let's talk about your coaching business, I want to pull, pull out any gems you have around growing your business because you've been a coach for 23 years. And that's a hard business because you're like, you have to sell yourself and someone is going to work with you. They're buying you on what they believe you can do for them. And so what have you, what have you done to grow your business over these 23 years, Does anything stand out?

Bobby   

I don't know if there's any one thing, Ryan. It's more like knowing what value you provide, which you know, there's nothing earth-shattering about that. But tapping into that, like, I find that I am most successful when I'm not worried about outcomes. But when I'm worried about, you know, really pouring into how do I give more to the people that I'm serving? How do I show up for them? How do I be present for them? That's just one of the best things. And it's like, it's not a very satisfying answer. Because it's not concrete. It's not like, here's the check, look, the list, go do it. But there's that. Another thing I'd say is that as an entrepreneur, especially for so many years, when you're in it by yourself, you can make the mistake of looking inward too much. And I find that I'm at my best, most creative, more things are happening when I'm actively connecting with other people. And it's not to connect, because oh, this person is going to be a good lead for me or this person is going to be you know, whatever. It's just connecting with other like-minded people because that keeps that energy going. And it keeps the momentum going. If that makes sense. It does.

Ryan  

I know we don't know each other that well, I was on your podcast that your mind. But what I will tell you is that from at least my perspective you have, you seem to have a lot of confidence and certainty in yourself. And so I'm guessing the prospect probably feels that too. And that's probably like Bobby knows her stuff. She can help me because you just you have like a vibe and have confidence around you saying. Well,

Bobby  

thank you. I appreciate that. I mean, that's good feedback. It's funny when you say that, especially when I was because I used to sell programs it corporations as well, which is a whole different ball of wax. But one of the things that I get feedback on a lot, and I think it's related to what you're saying, but it's confidence but that confidence allows me to really, really listen to the problems of the people that I'm even just when they're a prospect and I had so many prospects over the years say, Wow, I always get the feeling that nobody knew us or our problems the way you did. And then I think that in turn, helps people feel more confident. Because if you understand their problem, they're more confident that you can help them find a solution, if you know what I mean.

Ryan  

How do you listen? Well, I'm trying to get better at that. And I'm trying to listen, to actually listen, not think about what am I going to say next. But I find that if I don't think about what I'm going to say next, then when it comes time to talk, I have nothing to say, because I wasn't thinking about what I was going to say. I know if that makes any sense.

Bobby 

Yeah, better. Okay. So what you just identified, Ryan is a huge piece of it. We call it setting aside your agenda. And I think it was Stephen Covey, who said that most people when they're listening, they're not truly listening to understand, they're listening to respond. And people can feel that. So when you're listening to understand, it's kind of trusting that you will have, you will have something to say, when the time comes, but you're truly listening to understand it. And so many times the questions that I asked, like, when I was coaching, I don't even know if they're full of questions, but someone would tell me something, I'm really in it. And I just say, you know, I heard you say x, like, that's the big question. We're off to the races with it. But the other thing that I found in what you're describing there, I used to do a lot of coaching with managers, I teach them how to become coaches for their team. And that's something that would always get in their way. Like, I have to have something to say. And my question was always, okay, true. But how fast you have to have something to say, you don't have to fill in the space as soon as someone stops talking. That's true. It's okay, f there's a pause. And I remember, I'll never forget this. I'm so glad you asked this question. One time, I was coaching this manager. And he's like, I'm just not good with words, I'm not good with words, they never appear. And I'm like, You know what, it's perfectly okay to say, say to someone, hey, I'm processing what you just told me. Give me a second. And then ask your question or whatever. But then the funny thing is, as soon as he was equipped with that little thing he could say is like, I never needed it, because it takes that pressure away. And a lot of times, it's that pressure that we feel that keeps us from listening at a really deep level.

Ryan  

I like what you said about paraphrasing what they say back to them. They know you're listening. That's

Bobby  

right. And it's not to be a tape recorder. Right? It's just to pick up on something that they said, and you've done that a number of times throughout this podcast already, by the way.

Ryan   

Okay, good, David. Excellent. Some of your habits, you have any pillar habits that you rely on, to be the best version of yourself professionally or personally?

Bobby  

Well, I think for me, those are very much intertwined, right? Because I don't, you know, my life doesn't I mean, my work doesn't drive my life by any stretch of the imagination. But they are, they're, you know, they're put together. So some of my key habits would be, I get good sleep. Sleep is important. I used to be one of those people who would be like, Oh, I only need two to three hours of sleep a night. And I didn't take care of that. And that ended up into an illness, that it took almost 10 years to recover from. And I had two different doctors say, you're just incredibly lucky to be alive. So I learned the hard way, you need to take care of that. And very closely related to that is I protect my health. And I should say I shouldn't say I protect my health, I should say invest in my health. So I get exercise on a daily basis, even if it's just a walk, but I lift weights. Here in Colorado, I go cross-country skiing pretty much every day, if not the least I'm going for a walk. I also snowshoe on a lot of those days. When we're in Arkansas, it's road cycling. And again, weightlifting. I mean, I really invest in physical strength because nothing happens without that. And I learned that when the hard way, it's really hard to give to others when you can't get out of bed. So that's one of my most important habits. Another habit is around my mental fitness, not mental health, but mental fitness, just like I invest in physical fitness, I invest in them in mental fitness. So that does mean you know, listening to that, that little meditation stuff in the morning, really being mindful of the things I say to myself, you know, because so often what we say to ourselves, you know, our own soft self talk, that kind of creates what happens for us. So I'm very, very mindful of that. Those are the big ones I think, obviously, and I like to read I like to learn I listen to podcasts. But when I think a pillar habits, I take care of the physical and I take care of mental. And I also say the emotional spiritual side as well. You know, just reading on that being, you know, thinking about, am I connected to what's most important to me Because if I'm not, I know, that's when I hit struggle. You know what I mean? Like, that's when everything is more difficult. So that's, that's what I invest in.

Ryan  

Yeah. And I love that you mentioned self-talk because that is so important. I'm finding that my middle daughter has a habit of saying negative things about herself. And she's telling you, so I'm trying to try to stop that, you know, by catching on with you, does it? Yes. You know, it's not good. But no, it's,

Bobby  

it's funny. You mentioned that my, I have a couple of nephews, they're my husband's his sister's kids. They're both teenagers. And one plays hockey, I think one plays soccer and that negative self-talk, was coming up. And we recommended the PQ program,because they have a six-week program that helps people deprogram their self-talk. And, you know, to reprogram it into a more positive way. I mean, that's a very simplified way of saying it. But and I was kind of thinking, you know because it's meant for people 14 and older, and I was thinking, you know, how's this going to work, but feel a little bit of adjustment, but it has helped a lot. Because like, the one who plays hockey, like he'd get upset about stuff. And that's just not, that's not good. Like, you don't want to see your kids that way. So anyway, just wanted to mention that because I think that it is it's a critical component that we often overlook, we just think, yeah, we're just hard on ourselves, but we don't realize the damage that's doing.

Ryan 

Yeah, no, 100% 100%. Well, I've got one last question for you. We are, at the end of our time, I do have one last question for you, about the meaning of life through the three-year lens, and, you know, the experiences of Bobby up to this point, what is the meaning of life?

Bobby  

That is such a big question, Ryan. I think it and you know, here's the thing, if he asked me in a week, maybe it would change. But here's what I think. I think the meaning of life, is when we continue to move closer and closer to the person that we were born to become. And that's just Yeah, that's what I think.

Ryan  

Yeah, I don't think you need to say anything else. That's like, right there says a lot. That's beautiful. And do you feel like you're doing that? You personally,

Bobby 

I think that every day, while hopefully every day, I'm making strides toward it. That doesn't mean though, Ryan that sometimes, you know, do I take a step back? You know, do I backslide a little bit? Of course, that happens, unfortunately. But that's always my, my progression, that's my intent. So yeah, I think I'm making progress. Or dare you be

Ryan   

human? Do you know? I'm all too human. So Bobby, if people want to connect with you, where should we send them?

Bobby  

Yeah, either my website, which is just Bobby kaler.com. Do you have any spell that Ryan Are you gonna put it in the show notes?

Ryan  

You could spell it but I'm gonna put in the show notes too. Okay. It's just VLBI

Bobby  

kh le ar.com. And then also on LinkedIn, I'm super active on LinkedIn, LinkedIn, I make a point of posting several times a week, and I've got a newsletter either through LinkedIn or on my website, and of course, they can find out about my podcasts on the website, too. Excellent.

Ryan  

Thanks, Bobby. Great job. Thank you.

Announcer 

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